I have to admit that in recent days I find myself getting more and more short tempered, with Haikal being at the receiving end. This, amongst other things, have been the cause of many petty fights between us which could have ended what we shared (almost did), but fortunately we managed to rescue what we could and are now in the process of mending things :)

On that night where we sat at the steps behind the bus stop talking everything (well, a lot of things) out, it hit me yet again how precious the truth, and trust is. In many ways, Haikal and I have been keeping our negative feelings and thoughts of and about each other from the other party, in belief that by spilling light on the darkness, we would cause grievous hurt to the affected persons. Little did we realize that by harboring these thoughts to ourselves, our actions towards each other are gradually affected as all the negativity piles up within us.

A small poke, misplaced touch or a misused word which can be rectified with a simple apology blows into something big as I find myself incapable of forgiving him due to all the bitchy thoughts inside of me, and he, who used to be very patient with my antics, decided that he has had enough. Both of us then find that the other party has changed from who we were before, which further adds up the negative thoughts in our hearts and heads.

(Of course, I won’t be explaining in details the little or major incidents that led up to the day as that would just be plainly washing my dirty laundry and knickers in public.)

Not surprisingly, both of us found out that night that we both have been toying with the idea of ending things, for the sake of everyone. I guess, this subconscious decision that we have taken further probed us into giving each other newfound coldness, and giving every situation we face a devil-may-care attitude. I admit that despite the exterior I have been putting up, the bitch who doesn’t give a shit, I was hurting inside because really, I still do have feelings for him. It doesn’t matter if it’s real, or like as my mom would say, cinta monyet, because in the end, a feeling is still a feeling; something we both know exists between us right now, at this very moment.

During that 2 hour talk we had, walking home from the train station and seated on the cold hard steps, we asked ourselves why we’re feeling the way we are right now, whether it is worth it to continue being with each other and how can we improve things if we were to choose continuing our life journeys as one. In many ways the conversation was very therapeutic, as it gave us a ‘combat-free’ zone, where we both could exist as we are without having to subject ourselves to more onslaughts from the other.

Also, somehow somewhere between giving each other feedbacks or constructive criticisms, we began to recall the happier times we had and I think, all of these combined, made us realize that what is important is that we still do have feelings for each other, that we recognize the fact that we are in trouble and that we both had a common consensus that we just want things to get better like how they used to be.

I understand now that the journey will only get tougher as we are both exposed to new things (like NS, work etc) that might change us from who we are currently, but I guess it’s all part and parcel of life. Whether we manage to pull through together is in God’s hands, but what matters is that we try our best to improve things. In the end, if we fail, we know that we did try our best and thus can be comforted with the fact that the fault doesn’t lie on us, but instead it is just fate wielding its cards.

And yes, contrary to public opinion, Haikal and I do fight :) We’re just like any other couple you know, the only difference being that I choose to blog about the good times we share, which leads many of you into thinking that we are such a happy-trippy couple hahaha you all kena trick!

In any case, happy eleventh month Haikal… I, Faddy, still want to continue this journey by your side and can only hope that you feel the same way too.