Self-Censorship.
Weirdly, at a point of time where so many things, so many ups and downs and full circles, have been happening to me, one would expect that I have so many things to jot down. But lately, I have been pretty wary of the things I write, up to a point of paranoia maybe.
Long regurgitations from the pit of my emotions find themselves in the Recycle Bin instead of being a literary food up for public consumption, and the thought of unwanted eyes reading the little tiny personal bits of my life makes me feel so claustrophobic. Ironically, the very essence of freedom that the Internet has bestowed upon me has clamped my very ability to pour forth what I keep inside.
Blogging is different now. Being so free the entire day, I had read through my entries from my previous blogs, and how I envy the way that girl wrote! 4 years ago, I was letting out whatever I needed to let out. Turmoil, anger, sadness, anxiety, nirvana; whatever emotion I felt at that point of time could easily be radiating through the pixels of the screen.
Now, I keep having to keep in check on what I write. Too sensitive an info? Is this suppose to be a secret? What would they think if they read this? What if someone tells my parents? Will they judge? Who will be reading this?
It’s easy for people to say that you blog for yourself and whatnot, but it does get tiring whenever I keep getting scolded by the Elders about the things that I write, or when I keep having to rise to expectations as people are always making perceptions of who I am and not to mention, facing the repercussions of hurting/pissing someone off. I hate it that after 5 years of writing online, I still have to face this issue all the time!
I guess this is all just a phase I’m going through (yet again), lol. No, I’m not going to quit blogging as of yet as all your nice comments and presence have been fueling the much needed fire I need to blog lately (yay!), but maybe, just maybe, I’ll find another crook in this vast world (wide web) and let loose all the stringy details of my personal life there. And maybe, just maybe, if you’re smart enough, you’ll search for my name on Google but you’d be disappointed to find that I would have written anonymously, hah! Take that!
Perhaps the first mistake I made after I clicked on “Create Blog” was to announce my identity. Truth be told, sometimes I think that the best things a person can write is when he/she can write with all honesty and without any red tape to bind him/her down. Reason being, I feel that no amount of gargantuan words and fluent grammar can make up the space taken up by pure human emotions and the ability to convey those emotions across. Who doesn’t prefer reading things they can identify with?
And this post, this post you just spent 5 minutes on, is a damn close to perfect example of me trying to write down what I really want to say for the past few weeks but fuckin’ chicken out at the last minute because I can’t bear the thought of having to explain myself.
Maybe i haven’t felt it yet, but i write shit on my blog and don’t care what others say.
They tell me to remove some of my posts, but i don’t, coz that’s my opinion and i wanted to share my opinion with others whether it’s good or bad. I offend and i piss.
So i say, WHO CARES ABOUT PLEASING OTHERS?
Heh. If that was helpful at all, you’re welcome. If it wasn’t, uhh.. hi!=)
woah people tell you to remove your post? that only comes from my parents hahha… what did you write about?
i think you always write honest entries and its really nice to read, you know.. =)
Thanks babe :) I try, but its harder these days.
Totally get where you’re coming from.
But on the other hand, sometimes I just don’t give a damn. People should take accountability for their actions - so if they do something bad to me, or piss me off… then the world SHOULD bloody know!! lol.
hahahaha i salute you for being daring enough. as for me… thanks but i’d rather not tell the world since its a private issue hehehe
Hey Faddy!
Long time no see see mo.
This entry made me kinda sad for you.
Don’t care what anyone says, pour your heart and be who you are…
I’ve been through it, trust me… letting go, being your self and not giving a mother fucking damn shit about what people think or say about you makes you feel., so.
F R E E E.
Trust me. *hugs*
hmm thanks for the kind words dakota.. perhaps one day i can be like you :) hahaha.. anyway yeah! long time no see! congrats on being a flight attendant btw!
hi babe!
i agree with fanahana. as of late, your reflective posts are so honest and well-written. And i echo your thoughts…gone were the days i used to just let go online, often without thinking straight. being biting, abrasive and hurtful. quite like a crazy fool. i cannot in all honesty claim that i don’t care what people think and that i am not affected by unduly harsh critics because at the end of the day, as much as i want to be loved, appreciated and recognised for the good might i do, i don’t want to be remembered just for my mean, petty words - so i definitely do care.
plus, we live in a such a small close-knit society, us Malay/Muslim Singaporeans. we all write to an audience. you will never know who is reading, judging, misinterpreting you as a daughter, sister, cousin, friend. what you say reflects back on the people around you.
your freedom to swing your arms stops just before you reach the tip of another’s nose. =)
that said, i will never ever go anonymous because then, i’d never get to meet great people online, like u!
please continue to remain fresh, original and honest! wanna lash out? maybe tell a good friend, write in a word doc to save and re-read, write in a paper journal…hehe.
wah i so agree with what you said shaz. and i LOVE this -> your freedom to swing your arms stops just before you reach the tip of another’s nose. =) I think many people will have to learn that kekeke…
word doc sucks.. kalau adik aku baca, pengsan aku…
well, i guessed, once you start blogging, and have a fair share of audience, be it friends or relatives, everything you write, people will want to judge… so just be it.. i think, its like ‘ tapis dulu sebelum tulis ‘…. gitu!..
wahahahahaha..
but then, it will get very tiring lor…
yeah tau takpe.. kekeke… kita kan dah ‘tua’ in this blogging business.. mcm2 dah kene kan eddy :P
why do i get a sense of GP-ness in this? haha.. chill la fad. one thing ive definitely learned in life is : you can’t please the whole world. besides, in doing that, you’ll end up hypocritical, and worse, not pleasing urself so wats the point?
and i do understand the pressure of social expectations. sumtimes u juz cant help but to try to conform to it. sumtimes u blog, tinking: what would they think of me?
but by conforming to this, u’ll end up confused about who u want to be, what you already are.
i think it’s best if u think of the purpose of why u’re writing. if u write simply to create a certain idealistic image of urself, then u noe it’s definitely wrong.
so relax, sayang :) be urself.
its the best. :)
PS: fad is getting so mature now… siiiighh… :)
hehehehehe thanks for the kind advice ikah darling :) Anyway yeah im usually being myself.. but i dont wash my dirty laundry. SO perhaps im creating an idealistic image, but i hope im not.. get what i mean? keke…
p/s. yah maybe.. like finally kan :P
hey.
i know what you mean. that’s why i chose to let my blog go haha. funny how you write about new shoes and people will still find a way to diss, a reason to judge or just be plain jane mean. anyway, what i’m trying to say is, some people will never change and you shouldn’t have to change for them either. i miss my blog sometimes but it’s the price im willing to pay for some hushhush. looking at your entries, pictures and all, i miss all that you know. especially now when i’m doing loads of cool stuff.
FADDY. you’re doing an awesome job as a blogger. you write really well and it’s always a joy to read. a professor of mine once told me “Writing is God’s gift to mankind, an extension of his grace and power. Something that ought to be shared”. you’re amazing at this blogging thing and you should never ever let judgement overwhelm. Take care:) and yes, i’m still a captive audience despite the silence.
idzaaaaaa! I miss reading your entries, woman! hahaha… if i recall correctly, i stumbled across your new blog. isit? do you have one? hahha…
anyway, thanks honey for the kind words. I shall do my best to continue penning down my thoughts for our recollections kekeke…
and as always, thanks for stickin’ around :)
we shouldnt self censor ourselves. but yeah its been good reading your blog!
hehee thanks babe! :) can i come to your wedding? mcm cool gitu kekkee.. kidding (the self invite part)!
hehee thanks babe! :) can i come to your wedding? mcm cool gitu kekkee.. kidding (the self invite part)