Somewhere between the nightly debate between head and heart, I finally got too exhausted participating in the ill-wrought battle with fate. As the Malay Ancients say it, “Rice has turned into porridge“, meaning that what has happened can’t be changed. And that, was what I had to first understand and envelop.

Instead of harping on the loss of a prospectively luminous future, I cajoled my heart into accepting who and where I am currently. It was not an easy process; humbling, really, much akin to having to settle with whatever I have instead of what I could have.

So one fateful walk home, I had my enlightenment. Funny as it seems right now upon recollection, I actually made a decision to Grow Up. On that evening, I stopped behaving like the immature kid I am, blaming everyone but myself for my position. I stopped thinking that henceforth, my life would spiral into mediocrity. And, more importantly, I kicked myself in the butt to give myself an awakening. It was a breathe of fresh air; I was reborn. I no longer am a failure.  (Lol, so drama!)

That evening, I decided to step up to the situation and make the best of it, for life goes on. It finally got into my head (I heard it many times, but didn’t register it) that not getting into those two institutions doesn’t mean that my life has reached a fullstop, but rather, perhaps, God has created a twist in the plot so as to make my life story a more ‘colorful’ one.

The next few days were a dejavu, with myself still having restless nights. However, instead of them being rounds of bashing myself, I was actively drawing out a rough life-plan for myself. After 20 years of following the shepherd aimlessly, I finally found my own voice and today, I have to admit, knowing what I want to do makes breathing a much easier process. I am me, I have my goals, and when someone asks what I want to do, I can finally answer with determination and faith, instead of my usual nonchalant shrug.

Financial plans were drawn up, goals were etched and a direction has been set. This year has been set aside for readjustments and giving thanks (more on this next time) but next year onwards will be a time for personal improvements and saving up for / getting my education journey back on track.

This time, I’ll make sure I stick to them goals and aims. Tick tock, tick tock, I’m twenty and the clock’s a tickin’. Today, officially, my new trek begins as an adult and I can only hope and pray it’ll bring good things. InsyaAllah.

P/s. This is the second and last part of “Summary Of Tomorrows”.